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Quick Update

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Hello! It has been a while since I have written here. I mush say I have been quite discouraged from writing since my last posts are more rants and recollection rather than structured thoughts, stories, and opinions. Additionally, I have realized I share a lot in this blog, which is meant for my experience as a woman pertaining to a variety of identities and going through multiple experiences. I am supposed to write interesting and well collected stories from my life, not recaps after a couple months which read more like diary entries. For this last reason, I have started to journal, privately, I will recollect my experiences during the day, or whenever I remember, and from there, source material for the blog. I will write better pieces with the aim to share a bit of my experience, just not everything. I want to take a moment and go through a couple of topics I would like to write about here. One I am very excited to share is my story with computers. How I began using very crappy laptop...
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Recent posts

I Can’t Handle It Anymore

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I am not doing well again, and this is my best effort to put it all to words. I have been struggling with school assignments, I am feeling depressed again, and feel a lot of chronic pain. The saddening began after finishing my big watch project. I was yet to present my watch design to the company board, and tried to prepare the best I could. I could barely keep myself without shaking and crying and when it was time to present I could not properly follow my planned outline. I couldn’t stop stuttering and looking at the floor. I was stopped and called out by my low volume by the CEO, something I was warned would happen. At some point we crossed gazes and he immediately scoffed loudly, looking away and shaking his head. I couldn’t look at the rest of the room, but I knew I was letting people down. Other classmates had amazing designs too, yet somehow I was picked. After it was done, I felt relieved, but also overwhelmed by the many assignments I had neglected from focusing too much on one...
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I Love Her

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[December 16th, 2025] It has been a while since my last post, so much has happened since, I don’t think I could come up with words to explain just how much my life has changed, for the better. I’ve never felt happier than now, meeting my girlfriend was the best thing that could have happened. I have loved every second I’ve been with her, every text and call, and I only wish I could spend more time with her, however, school has been very demanding lately. This past semester was the first of my junior year and ever since my first day I knew that in this semester we would collaborate with a real watch company; I already knew it was a lot of work, but never imagined just how much and how realistic to a real job it would be. The a small team from the watch company came to our classroom one day, everyone knew to be in early. They presented the brand we were going to design for and gave us the design brief, an outline of what we had to do, as well as tools such as brand motifs a.k.a. codes an...
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I Have a Girlfriend!

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[Changed original title from “Excited”] This is a short one... I am very excited, and a little bit nervous. Last week, I attended again the trans support group I had been to over a year ago. As I went into the room, feeling paranoid, I spotted two people sitting at a table nearby; they were the smallest group so I figured I'd join them. We exchanged pronouns, and found out all three of us were trans girls. Instead of joining the support group session, we stayed outside and talked, we seem to really like each other. I was very quiet, as it was my first time out again that wasn't going to school, but I think I did good. We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. The next day I received a message from this girl that I found really cute. We had talked about drawing and she wanted to see some that I have done. I was sooo nervous even messaging her. It's been almost a week, so I messaged her to see if she'll be going to the group and said she will. I'm very excited ...
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Three Years as a Trans Woman

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It’s been a while since I last wrote about trans stuff on the blog; things have been chill, transition-wise, but here are some things worth telling. So firstly, medications. Last December I was switched to injections of Fensolvi which substitutes the Spironolactone. My doctor suggested this would be a good choice because I am forgetful with my doses, and with the injection I would only need a dose every six months. Also, Spiro might have been making my POTS worse, combined with the psych meds, I literally was about to pass out every time I stood up. And I guess this is a good time to say that I’m off psych meds; there’ll be a post on that soon. I had my second dose of Fensolvi a couple weeks ago but POTS symptoms never went away. My doctor wouldn’t believe I exhibited those symptoms for other reason other than the Spiro—I’ve had this since I was 13. We discussed increasing my Estradiol dose because I have not noticed many changes lately, but my labs show that my body is responding well...
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Feeling Better

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School is finally over again! This semester has been very interesting. I remember struggling a lot at the beginning. I remember going for days without doing homework, and those horrible suicidal thoughts just made everything worse. As the semester progressed and I began work on my keyboard, I got increasingly absorbed into my work. I began feeling better and worked like crazy on concepts, Solidworks models, and renders. I enjoyed it so much. For my Adobe class, I designed a security camera, which I made into a little monitor, like a baby monitor, but for adults. It is colored a vintage blue and yellow. It has a little cute antenna and a push-to-talk button. Doing the Solidworks model was interesting. I really like blobjects and rounded forms. The camera is a little rectangle, but every face should have curvature. It just looks great. Just yesterday, I was looking at my Apple USB-C cable and comparing it to a very similar one that came with a MagSafe base. The Apple cable is completely ...
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Emotional Abuse

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 This one has been in the back of my mind for a while, I want to recollect these terrible moments I guess, just to let it out. As I write this post, I can hear my mom saying “stop blaming me for your problems.” That is not my intention at all here, I just want to share my stories, as I do in this blog. During my last mini depressive episode, I was talking to the wall about maybe telling my mom about my growing suicidal thoughts; she’s really all I have and I would like her help through this. Immediately though, I am reminded of the time we went for a walk and I told her I didn’t want to live anymore. Her simple response was, “do it.” Perhaps she thought I was not capable of ending my life, but that response made it clear that I was on my own and that the closest person to me wouldn’t care if I died. As I decided I’m never bringing up the topic with my mom again I get another flash. We went to the beach in Mexico with my aunt and cousin, I must have been 14 at the time. My mom and I...
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Calm?

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It's been two weeks since my antipsychotic dose was increased, and, I feel good. Everything is quieter, the voices have disappeared, it is so relieving. My mood has stabilized, and I feel happy most of the time, though I still have ups and downs. School started again, it’s looking exciting but it will be a lot of work. I’m doing good so far, I’m going to design an assistive keyboard for autism for one class—I have so many ideas. I’m calm and happy most of the time, however, there are times when I feel terribly sad. It mostly comes out of nowhere, or actually, I have noticed it happens after some kind of inconvenience such as getting stuck doing schoolwork or cracking my screen protector. Suddenly, I begin feeling sad to the point of crying for no reason. Intrusive thoughts flood my mind, they are about my future or past actions. Then, after more crying, suicidal thoughts begin. I have noticed that my suicidal thoughts are becoming stronger, I mean, it’s getting harder to resist the...
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Voices

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This is my first post published directly to my public blog, thanks to everyone that has visited. So far I have published posts that I wrote over the last two years, though I still need to publish some more, but I hope the writing style is enjoyable! So, I don’t know what to do, I still hear the voices narrating my actions, I keep getting into those dissociative moments where I lay down in weird positions, and during our trip to Mexico, my aunt told me she heard me talking to someone when there was no one there. I have my next appointment with the psychiatrist soon so I’m writing this to remember my symptoms because my mind tends to go blank when he’s asking me things. I don’t really have much to say for this post, maybe I’ll publish an update later. [Update Wednesday 15th] I thought I should comment on those dissociative episodes I have. Just now I felt one coming, I began feeling numb, tired out of nowhere, I began to move my head around pointlessly, however, this time I decided to pl...
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Camera Hallucination

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 I was just out on the patio, talking to my grandma’s dog in English like I used to do—maybe just talking alone, or to myself—and I couldn’t help but notice that words weren’t coming out of me the way it used to be. I would talk alone for hours, getting absolutely lost in believing that behind the camera floating around me were people who loved watching me going about my day. I livestreamed 24/7 to an audience of some 200 people, the camera automatically pivoted to whatever I wanted to share, and when it pointed at me, I would smile at it, gesture, and talk to it as if I were talking to a real person. I can only imagine myself talking to the wall… That hallucination formed part of my daily life for years, and I loved it. I felt I was famous and felt happy for having people who wanted to watch me. My imagined audience kept me company when I was most lonely, and I made them laugh and have a good time. The last time I remember talking to my audience vividly was on my way to the hospit...
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Religiousless, With a Jewish Heart, Forced To Observe Christianity

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 Yeah, I feel weird, religiously; I decided to put on hold my conversion to Judaism since my mental health began declining, I stopped going to temple, visiting my Rabbi, reciting Shema, and lighting Shabbat candles. As a Ger, someone who is currently converting, I felt comfortable wearing my Magen David and reciting blessings, but now, I don’t feel it’s correct for me to wear my necklace, so I haven’t. I’m in Mexico right now, I can’t believe it’s been a year since I was first feeling depressed but found hope in Judaism. I’m sitting right here where I felt that massive push out of nowhere to learn about Judaism, and since then I have done so many things that were unthinkable to me before. One thing I never stopped doing was attending Hillel events. Joining Hillel and attending all the events were some of the bravest things I’ve ever done, being terrified by paranoia outdoors, it took me a while to go and explore what I could do at school. I have met great people at Hillel, like my ...
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Weird

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  I feel weird, I wouldn’t know how to describe it, I just feel almost emotionless, sad, and discouraged. I have slowly been catching up with assignments, that is my main stressor, but there is still a lot I have to get done, and there are about three weeks left before winter break. Sketching and ideating have been hard, like I felt before the hospital, I feel my creativity is just gone, and I hate it. You can really see it in my last post, it is very fragmented and it doesn’t resemble my writing style at all, it is also really short. I have moments when I feel great, I would even say happy, optimistic, and that usually lasts a couple of days. There’s also days that I feel totally discouraged, I cry, and feel very sad. What’s in between is just nothing, emotionless, I guess. This last weekend I heard the voice for the first time after being in the hospital. I was in the kitchen, cooking, and the voice began narrating every single action I did. It went something like this: “She is o...
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Going Back

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 It was only until my last day in the hospital that I learned that my mood disorder is Major Depressive Disorder, severe, with Psychotic Features. I don’t know why they didn’t tell me before. It makes a lot of sense, the severe depression made the psychosis possible. Immediately after being discharged I had an argument with mom, she drove me home in silence and dropped me off at the entrance without exchanging words. I looked in my things for my key and went in. I lay on the couch for a few hours, trying to rest and process all that I missed. My mom got mad at me because I had promised to shower and organize my stuff from the hospital, and I could not do it that day. I decided that going to the October 7th memorial would be too much for me, I felt unclean and didn’t have the energy to go to a social event that big, so I slept for the rest of the day. The next day I went to school, it was a Tuesday, Digital Sketching; it’s the class with the most overdue assignments. But it was exci...
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Hospitalized

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 This post was written in a notebook I was given while hospitalized over seven days. [Oct 3, 9:50 am] So, I was hospitalized. I figured I could write a blog post from here, on paper, and later transcribe it. It was one of the scariest things I’ve done, but it was very much necessary. I couldn’t handle my emotions anymore, I was crying frequently, spent the day in bed, couldn’t do my homework, and began feeling unsafe after the voice in my head finally managed to influence my actions, and I began doing very reckless things. My suicidal ideations became stronger, and combined with my declining will live, I just didn’t feel safe at all. I decided I should admit myself to a psych ward where I would be taken care of and get help. I was going to come on Saturday after my first breakdown, but I just couldn’t do it. I never told my mom about my symptoms or about using the 988 chat. I got through the weekend mostly sleeping on my bed and lying on the floor. At night, when I got some mysteri...
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